Thoughts before bed.

For in dreams we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean or glide over the highest cloud.

-Albus Dumbledore.

Night is my time. It’s when I can enjoy torturing myself.

Thinking about all the choices I’ve made.

The choices I have to make.

The consequences of every choice I have made and will make.

And what might have been

And what could be.

And all the mistakes I’ve done.

And how I can’t take any of it back.

The loud voices inside my head screaming the words I should have said.

I think of important people in my life and how they eventually have to die some day.

And how their death will suck the life out of me.

How their absence would rip the heart out of my chest.

And how some people actually have to deal with this suffocating pain now. Alone.

 How I’m not even 1% ready to meet Allah.

And how I’m not even sure if I’m a true believer.

Of all the unanswered questions.

And all unconvincingly answered ones.

How religion is so simple yet really complicated.

Of that one question that keeps me from sleeping cause I don’t know my purpose in this life.

I think why the Earth is round and why the stars go blue and why the leaves are green and why there are even colors and how would it have been if we couldn’t even see.

Would we be less judgmental?  If the whole world was blind would people actually have to work on their characters so they could impress?

I think of why I’m on this Earth and if there’s life on other planets, and if there were, why were we chosen and not them? And what if they were in fact chosen just like us and someone my age there is lying now in the same darkness staring at the same stars asking the same exact questions wondering now if I’m out there thinking like him.

I think how this world makes so much sense yet makes no sense at all.

I think of how perfectly divinely designed in a absolute evidence of a higher power. It’s like realizing there was a cat walking here a while ago just by seeing its footsteps.

People ask why should we believe in God yet they don’t realize they’re the answer to their own question. They’re the cat footsteps. They prove God’s existence just be existing themselves.

I think of all this in this pitch black.

Black, is my color.

Black is the color of darkness, which is so beautiful.

In darkness you can’t see everything clearly which gives it this mysterious magical feeling which is so arrestingly mesmerizing.

In the darkness you dream about what your surroundings might be. It gives you a wider space to imagine and wonder and realize how you’re powerful beyond measure. How you matter. How you’re going to change the world someday. How you’re going to shine bright and unconsciously liberate others of their fears just by being present.

 But when lights suddenly come on you feel disappointed and everything you had in mind about the mysteries in the dark disappear.

And the dreams you dreamt about them get crushed by reality.

Black is also the color of sky when stars are up.

Stars which are so capturing, beautiful and full of wonder and awe.

How stars make you dream, think and believe. Might even make you wish upon a shooting one of their own.

Yet you realize when you grow up that they’re but gigantic balls of gas which have exploded long time yet their light is recently reaching us because of how far they are, making your wish upon them already dead.

Crushed by reality again.

Black is also the color of my soul.

My soul which doesn’t know rest or peace because of all this wondering and torturing, and over thinking. And how when I’m done I just keep re thinking the same stuff again and again searching for answers and finding none and thinking what I’m supposed to do now when suddenly..

I finally fall asleep.

Emotions.

“I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.”       –Virginia Woolf 

 

I find emotions so weird.

How do you explain emotions? What does the word “Happy” or “Sad” or any of it mean?

Why do we feel certain emotions at certain situations?

Why do we cry when we’re sad, and laugh when we’re happy? How do you know that when you feel this sense of joy you should let out these consecutive short breaths in a pattern that we call a “laugh ”?

Why don’t we burst in tears when someone cracks a joke instead?

Why do we feel sad when someone close passes away? And how do we get emotionally attached to them in the first place?

And why exactly do we connect feelings -whether they’re love or hate – to our hearts?

The heart is simply just a muscle that bumps blood through the body in your veins and keeps the circulation going on, what does it have to do with love?

Why don’t you use the kidney for instance to show love? I think kidneys are pretty crucial to the body too.

The whole feeling and emotions thing seems so unreal to me.

What’s the definition of “Cold” and “Hot”?

How do you decide that you’re feeling cold particularly at the moment? Is it just about brain signals and all this scientific stuff? Well does that mean that it’s all in our head?

What if I try and ignore my mind, can I just feel… numb?

Can I just decide that it’s all in my head and that I’m not actually feeling anything, that it’s just my imagination?

Wait, what’s imagination? How do you define that, seeing pictures inside your head, and actually discussing them with yourself with that tiny mysterious voice in your head, which amazes me by the way, how I can hear my own voice inside my head when I’m not actually hearing anything!

Try and concentrate on it for a while and you’ll feel quite amazed too.

It’s all crazy, happiness, misery, anger, bravery, fear, love, hate, and passion and all of it.

And it’s even crazier how they say you got “heart” if you’re brave, sensitive, or romantic, when it’s actually all inside the brain and has nothing to do with the heart organ.

I think of all that and then I wonder how can anyone not believe or have faith after all these miracles ONLY inside of themselves, let alone outside.

And even if you can explain all those stuff and answer all those questions by science you still can’t explain how they got there in the first place, and I feel sorry for you if you don’t believe, cause after all those stuff all I can ever say is “Subhan’Allah”.

Forever?

Death is frightening, and so is Eternal Life. 
–Mason Cooley

 

Time!

When does time end?

I know when people usually talk about time they tell you how important it is to be organized and use your time wisely –Which is crucial don’t get me wrong!-

But I’ve been wondering about a certain kind of time. Particularly, Forever.

How does that work? I’ve been thinking about it lately all the time, mostly because of the thought of afterlife.

Do you realize when you commit a sin, how little the time of joy you get compared with the time of torture in hell in exchange?

Do you know what being tortured for eternity means?

Eternity is a really long time. But again, It never actually ends, so does that make it a time? it’s just always there, it’s just.. forever.

You commit a crime now you can serve your time and you get out free. Even If you get sentenced for life you still have a fixed time. LIFE. Then you die and it’s over.

But eternity, you’re there for a year, two year, 3 years, thousand years, million years, 10 million year, 999999999999 million years. And you’re still there.

And you’ll always be there. You never leave and it never ends.

Can you wrap your head around it? Because I know I can’t. I can’t possibly come to grips with the whole concept of forever; it gets too overwhelming for my brain to process.

You don’t grow old and the days never end and since I can’t seem to understand it I decided I have to spend my forever in eternal paradise because I can’t take a second in hell let alone forever.

Ya Allah grant me Jannah and keep me away from Jahannam.

What’s happiness?

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
― Albert Camus

What’s happiness?

When is the time when you can say “I’m happy?”

When you feel satisfied and joyful, when everything just seems to be perfect.

I see unfortunate, poor people, or at least that’s what I thought they were –claiming to be happy, when they might not have anything to wear, no food to eat, or no place to stay, when they may have a lot of children but no money to fulfill their needs, yet they claim the ownership of happiness.

I used to think it was weird, and abnormal, I mean, how could they possibly be happy when they can’t afford a life of luxury? How could they be happy when they’re so poor? But apparently it was me who was poor.

I asked my own self then, Am I happy?

I thought for a while and then I got to where I started off this topic, I was wondering whether I was happy or not, but what IS happiness?

How can I know if I’m happy or not when I can’t even define happiness?

I’ve always pictured happiness as that ultimate goal. Happiness always seemed like the place where all was well, I looked at it as a destination, a target.
In my mind, I kept thinking I’ll just arrive to that certain place and time and only then will I be happy, I get there and all is perfect, and I didn’t believe there was happiness else where or any time before.

But again, I see those people struggling and fighting to survive each and every day and yet they still claim to be happy. So, I decided to ask about that, how they came up with that completely illogical statement, I asked “how on Earth do you people say you’re happy when you have all those troubles and problems?”

“How could you be satisfied with the very little you have?”

“What makes you able to put up with all of this yet remain happy?”

And I got that one word answer that changed it all.

“Alhamdulillah.”

What? Are you telling that all the secrets to what I’ve been chasing lies in that one simple word?

I discussed for a while and It opened up my mind and heart big time, and I finally understood.

Happiness is never about making all the right choices.

Happiness is being able to live with your choices as well as your consequences.

You don’t achieve happiness, that’s only because happiness is always here. It’s in your heart.

And there’s no such thing as sadness, as we call it –it’s only lack of happiness you see.

I finally understood how happiness is not for certain people, it’s for all of us, it’s for all kinds of different society classes or colors or sexes. It’s within YOU.

There probably is nothing such as a happy person, because we all have happiness equally divided among us, we can’t be completely or permanently happy but we could always find it when we desire, we just need to search for it and claim it, and when we do, we need to hold on to it and never let it go.

How to find it you say?

You find it thrust upon the faces of those whom you love, you find it in family gatherings, you find it in the company of friends, It’s always there in love and laughter, even in crying you find happy tears.

You find it when you look at the bright side, at the full half of the cup.

It’s there when you smile in the faces of those who try to bring you down.

You find happiness in Allah and Quran. You find it in being satisfied with what you have and having no regrets, but thanking God every single moment of every single day instead for what he has blessed you with.

It might be in that one line of your favorite song, or that one page or quote of your favorite book, or that one scene of your favorite movie.

It could be in a certain place or a certain memory, It could be anywhere and everywhere around you, and just when you can’t possibly seem to find it, when you’re feeling really down and it’s hard to be happy -I know how it feels because I’ve been there a lot.

When you’re that frustrated and can’t seem to find happiness in the life you have  -Dream.

Just close your eyes, and imagine all kinds of beautiful things, all the goals you have and picture yourself achieving them, then embrace the feeling you’ll get when that happens.

Dream about everything you’ve ever wished for and when you feel hope striking you once again, Get up, get out, and make it happen.

Draw a deep breath, Smile, and remember that God has blessed you with the ability to breathe and smile, and even with the blessing to  be able to thank him for it.

And believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.

And always remember, Happiness is wherever you try to find it.

It’s within you. 🙂

The magic of words.

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” 
―Patrick Rothfuss.

 It totally stuns me, when people can put words together and reach other people, or how when you switch two words in a sentence it could give a whole different meaning, or how just a little difference in pronunciation could actually mean the opposite of what you want to say, or how a lot of words are ambiguous, or how a certain word could have a dozen of synonyms.

It shows clearly in Rhymes!

Rhymes are magic.

The way some rappers have the ability to put words together and mix them up and shuffle them just leaves me at a loss of words.

It could only be magic, right? I mean, how could it have that stunning, hypnotizing effect on me any other way?

What could be more impressive than a guy telling his whole life story in a 5 minute-geniusly rhymed- and perfectly put together rap song? Could anyone not be speechless and inspired after listening to this magic?

I think the way a person could turn some random words into something that good would leave anyone wonderstruck by it, just some boring words that attracts no body’s attention and he just plays around with the order and bam, suddenly they don’t just hit your ears no more, they touch your soul.

It’s also mind-blowing how much we need words, so much that we can’t survive without them.

How without words there could be no communication, how there could be no deals made, no trading, and life would stop.

Without words people will suffer, you can see how a little baby cries his heart out and you just stand there helpless because he can’t deliver what he wants to tell you, he can’t use the words to explain where the pain comes from.

They say need is the mother of invention, that means they invented languages because they were in need for it.

It literally blows my mind each and every day when I think of how human beings came up with languages!

How there are thousands of languages on this planet yet no two languages are the same. How word order differs from language to another and the grammar and building structure could be 180 degrees different.

It really amazes me when I read English and Arabic literature and notice their extremely different and further apart alphabetic! Then I realize that’s actually nothing when I stumble upon the Chinese language.

A language that’s formed from thousands of alphabets is sure something for a mind to think about..

I’ll never understand how they came up with languages even if I read millions of explanations, It’s too over whelming for a mind to contain.

But you know what’s even more amazing? The power of words.

I know this may seem really weird but what made me sense how powerful words could be was Harry Potter.

If you don’t know me personally, then you should know I’m a crazy obsessed Harry Potter fan, So I basically read every book and watched every movie more than 17 times each, and what seized my attention most about the magical spells they used was how –for me- they represented the power of words in its purest forms.

They utter the spell words and they directly affect the person or the thing either for better or worse, with a recognizable effect that could be seen by the eye.

It shows you how a word could hurt -or even kill somebody, and how other words could heal and cure instead.

For instance, an insult or a sarcastic comment on an over-weight person might be no worse than a cruciatus curse casted upon him.

How the words from an Israeli’s mouth could be the Avada Kadavra for thousands of innocents.

Last thing I would mention is how words are a blessing.

I’ve always wondered how deaf people think. What language do they think in?

Those who were born deaf could neither hear nor speak; they don’t know what words sound like, so for example, when one of them thinks “I’m Hungry.” Or “I hate that person.” What exactly are the words that go through their minds aside from emotions?

It just makes me thankful every day for the blessing of being able to use words and enjoy them.

I firmly believe that words are precious to the furthest extent, and you should watch every single one of them when it’s coming out of your mouth because you never know what a disastrous effect it might have.

And may your words always be a charm, and never a curse. 🙂

The Unknown scares me.

Pictures are sad.

I see how people love to take pictures of good moments or with their loved ones, and it amazes me, how a picture can capture a certain moment in the past and hold it forever unchanged, untouched.

I see how they think remembering those days would make them happy but for me, it’s just sad, how it’s not here no more.

I look at my pictures and it scares me – no it terrifies me, how fast I grew up, how it all happened so quickly, how the pace of time just speeds up and doesn’t allow us to think thoroughly, how I see pictures of people I used to know and be really close with, and it seems like ages ago, but it seems like yesterday too.

I’m 17.

It struck me yesterday, I’m actually 17. I’m going to Uni next year! University…

That always seemed like a long time in the future before it happens; it’s always been “What do you want to study in Uni when you grow up?”

And I’m on the edge of entering University, so does that mean I grew up? Because I don’t feel like it.

I still need my parents, the thought of losing them frightens the hell out of me and gets me down and frustrates me so bad, how am I going to survive without my parents one day?

I think of a way to make it seem like a nightmare but then it just strikes me, they have to die one day, there’s no way out, it will happen, and I’m not ready, I’m never going to be.

I think about it every night when I go to bed and it just takes the sleep out my eyes, I zone out on it during day and it makes me desperate.

I imagine the moment I get the news that mum and dad are gone, and I can’t seem to think of a way I could react except for closing my eyes and never opening them again.

It makes me want to run to them and hug them and apologize for everything, while I still have the chance, cause I will regret it someday when It’s too late, and it’s going to hurt – hell it’s going to hurt like a wound in the heart, and there’s nothing I could do about it.

I’m 17. Next up is 20.

20 always seemed like a long time ahead, like it’s never coming, 20 is the age of old people, but I’m not old, I don’t feel like I am.

And before you know it you’re married, then it’s followed up by children, and you’re a parent! A parent? Seriously?

I have to work and get money and pay for schools and medicines and have all kinds of responsibilities, because I’m a grown man. But I don’t feel like I am.

And suddenly I’m in my parents’ place and my kids are in mine, and now I’m closer to death than I am to life, but I’m not ready to die, I’m not prepared, I don’t feel like I am.

If I guarantee going to Jannah I wouldn’t mind dying right away, if I can guarantee seeing my parents again I wouldn’t mind dying right away, But I can’t, I don’t know If I’m good enough of a person to deserve this.

I think of all of this every night and day and I needed to write it down and share it, cause when I can read my thoughts and fears and put them into order, I might be able to face them.

But it still scares me, future scares me, death scares me.

In other words,

The unknown scares me.

 

 

Greatness is upon you.

Eric Thomas.
One of his many life changing speeches, and certainly one of my favorites.
If you like this make sure you check his other videos because it will change your life.
Guaranteed.

“I firmly belie…

“I firmly believe that any man’s greatest hour- His greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear,
is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause, And lies exhausted in the field of battle,
Victorious”

-Vince Lombardi.

This is the feeling you should chase after.

I’m the exception to your grammar rule.

Something grabbed my attention while studying English.

In English there are a lot of grammar rules and building structures, but never is there any grammatical rule with no exceptions.

There are also verbs, loads of them, some are regular and some are irregular, some follow the rule and some break it.

It’s those exceptions and irregulars that we pay most attention to when we study, that we memorize and keep in mind.

Because they’re different. Because they stand out.

So I discovered this weird connection between the English language and us.

It’s those who stand out that shine bright, It’s those who are unique that get noticed, it’s those with different styles and different personalities that get praised.

So I’ve come to believe this, If you want to achieve greatness, if you want the world to know your name, if you want to make a difference, to affect lives, You HAVE to stand out.

Do Not follow the routine, Routine kills.

Do not accept others’ expectations; dig your own way to greatness, and as long as it’s your own you’ll get noticed.

Those who follow the routine, who stick to the rule, are all the same, they all look the same, work the same, and end up in the same places. They’re boring.

So when you create your own path and get to your own special mountain summit, Stand up, stand out and say it proudly to everybody.

 “I’m the exception to your grammar rule, World.”

Secrets To Success.

“When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful.” –Eric Thomas.

My favorite quote of all time.

I’ve talked about the definition of success, and I’ve mentioned I studied it, So I really want to share the stuff I learnt through my journey and till now about how to achieve it, cause it’s everyone’s dream including me.

The concept I follow in my life is “Believe, Work hard, Achieve.”

The first step of doing anything, ANYTHING in your life, is believing you could actually do it.

I don’t care how hard it is, I don’t care how bad you are, I don’t care what people tell you, YOU CAN DO IT!

But first, you have, you need to believe that you can, you need to have that belief that you have it within you to succeed, that you deserve to live the way you want to live, reach the dreams you’ve always had, and be whatever you want to be.

A lot of people, and especially in my country Egypt, are brain washed.

By parents, schools, teachers, friends, media, people, you name it, everyone plants that feeling in them that they’re not good enough, that because God created them Egyptians that means they’re not capable of achieving, or don’t have the right to dream like any other human being, and from the many many times they heard it they actually believed they weren’t worthy of success.

I’ve seen it and I’ve been one of those people but I’ve been blessed with parents that support my dreams and with opportunities to change that damned mentality.

So I’m telling you that you can, it’s not just that impossible is nothing, it’s actually PAST POSSIBLE, that means not only could you do it, but the odds are in YOUR FAVOR, it means you’re most likely going to do it.

And the examples are too many!

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, they told MJ-read this carefully- They didn’t tell him he wasn’t good enough, no, they told him he’s not capable of playing the game of basketball!!

I bet if MJ was Egyptian he would be in jail now or sth, but guess what he did, he took it upon himself to prove them wrong, and accepted the challenge, and in case you haven’t heard, Michael Jordan became the greatest basketball player in the history of the game.

So believe believe believe in yourself, have high confidence, and get others’ opinion out your head.

Second step is to work hard.

This step is the most important one, this is where it all happens, this is the step that determines whether you’re going to be successful or fall down along the way.

This is where it’s decided whether you are a warrior or a quitter.

The most common problem in this stage is that when it gets hard, people cry to quit. So I’m telling you What Eric Thomas said:  “Don’t cry to give up, cry to keep going, you’re already in pain you’re already hurt, get a reward from it! At the end of pain is success!”

It’s not easy, no, If it were easy everybody would do it, but it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be painful, but that pain is temporary, it goes away when you reach you dream, but if you quit it lasts forever, It’s just a false sense of accomplishment when you quit.

An other issue is the lack of results, people say they work but they don’t see anything In return, Just don’t worry, It’s coming, Hard work pays off, It might take long but it will, I promise you that.

But The most important thing is consistency, 99% of success is showing up, you have to do it, then keep doing it, and keep doing, and keep doing it over and over till you get there, never stop never back down never give up, just push yourself past your limits, Limits are self-imposed, Break them.

And just put that in mind, Without struggle, there is no progress.

And once you start seeing results, it’s all going to be worth it, all the blood, sweat, and tears are not going to matter anymore, all the pain will be forgotten, because you finally got to the final step. Achieving.

This is the sweetest step f them all, this is where your dreams become reality, and your hard work turns into seen results.

It’s where you stand tall with your head held high and tell every single person who told you you can’t do it, you’re not good enough, you’re not capable, you tell them “In your face.”

You tell them that you dream reality, that you’re not brain washed, and that if they weren’t they would’ve gotten to a better place too.

The key is to stay motivated, keep your eyes on the goal and stay laser-focused.

I hope this helps someone somewhere to change and take actions, I hope it makes a difference.

 

 

P.S. I quoted Eric Thomas a couple of times in my words, he’s the main reason after God and my family why I have my mentality and I guarantee you if you check his videos out it’s going to change your lives.